using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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