I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
