Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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