isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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