Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
