shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
