3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I fill condoms, not promises.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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