Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
