if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
