In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
