Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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