Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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