theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
