I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
