I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
