Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
