Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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