We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
