His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
