pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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