Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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