I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
