it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
