I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
