So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
