The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
