We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
