Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
