My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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