I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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