I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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