I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
