Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
