she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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