So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
