just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
