Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
