dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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