Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
