I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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