OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
