you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
