im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
