having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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