She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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