u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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