i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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