if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
