My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
