I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
