The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
